Skeletor wakes Beast Man from his whiskey-induced slumber to
announce that he is, in fact, leaving on a ship! Maybe this really is the Odyssey! So the point of the ship is that it has a huge energy
converter which is going to help him execute his plan to rule Eternia. This sounds promising. I can’t wait to hear the rest of the
plan.
We cut to the palace where the annoying music that plays
whenever Orko is fucking something up is playing. I’m shocked to find out that this is exactly what is going
on. Orko and Man-At-Arms are playing
a game of chess with weird little live creatures, and Orko manages to spill a
goblet on Man-At-Arms while he’s moving it with magic. Everyone has a stupid laugh about it until Skeletor flies
overhead in his new ship and seriously starts blasting the shit out of
everyone, turning them to stone.
Then they aren’t laughing anymore.
Prince Adam runs off with Cringer to turn into He-Man and
Battle Cat, respectively, while everyone else is getting turned to stone. Man-At-Arms stands atop a spire
blasting with a pistol ray at Skeletor’s ship while He-Man takes his sweet
fucking time with his recycled animation sequence. Mat-At-Arms gets turned to stone and falls off the spire,
sure to smash to bits on the tiles below.
I just hope it’s gory. Unfortunately,
He-Man finishes up with his recycled animation sequence just in time to sprint over and catch him.
He-Man then dives to save Teela from being turned to stone
since she is just standing there staring at Skeletor’s ship. In thanks, she demands that he find a
way to turn her “father” back from stone.
I think that’s a bad idea.
The only way He-Man would know how to do that would be to punch
Man-At-Arms into a million pieces, which would be counter productive.
Up in the ship, Beast Man looks drunk as ever – probably because
Skeletor didn’t let him finish sleeping it off – while Skeletor leans forward
in ever increasing excitement as all the denizens of the royal palace get
picked off one by one.
But Skeletor has even more tricks up his sleeve! He pulls a couple of levers and now anything he blasts that was stone now comes to life! Case-in-point, he blasts a stone statue of a lion, thus
bringing it to life so that people can get ripped to shreds and add a little
gore to this marble party.
Predictably, it immediately picks a fight with Battle Cat.
Not predictably, Statos shows up with a sword in his hand,
and Ram Man comes walking into the frame as well. Apparently, they just happened to be in the
neighborhood. On top of a fucking
plateau. Skeletor animates more
statues, this time humanoid roman warrior type ones, to engage the new
guests. He-Man gets smart and uses
one of their army’s flying crafts to rise up and challenge Skeletor’s craft
head on. Skeletor's craft hits He-Man's with some kind
of ray, which puts into auto landing mode. I was hoping it would be more of an EMP-like device and just make them
drop to the ground and splatter, that would have been way more fun.
Below, Ram Man and Stratos easily take out the stone
army. It’s a joke, really. Even Orko manages to best a few of
them. Yes, Orko. Apparently, there is
nothing left to turn from stone to life or something, because Skeletor just
takes off for no real reason.
Orko, Ram Man and Stratos all join hands like they won their track meet
or something and yell “wah-hoo”, just like you would expect to happen in the
80s.
Later, in the lab, King Randor, the queen, whose name I
already forgot because they never use it, and Orko are gathered around the stoned Man-At-Arms, who is strapped to a table.
Maybe if they stare at him hard enough, he will turn back to living
flesh again. Prince Adam comes in
and fakes like he doesn’t know what happened. The queen seriously just starts trying random shit by
pushing buttons and using various inventions to try and turn Man-At-Arms back
to life. She could really fuck him
up like that!
Elsewhere, Skeletor is forcing Beast Man to carry the
energizer somewhere, and it’s gigantic.
I mean, this is far worse that the hair dryer in Space Balls. Skeletor expects him not to drop it,
which is more than anyone could ask considering that Beast Man is soused all
the time. Somehow, Beast man
manages not to drop it and to set it up right so that it blasts this diamond which is situated on
the face of a stone chair, upon which sits a gigantic stone being, whom I am
guessing is Colossor.
At Castle Grayskull, Prince Adam has turned into He-Man and
is talking to the Sorceress. I
still don’t understand why he has to bother to turn into He-Man just to talk to
her. Can’t he just stop by as
Prince Adam and see what’s up first?
Anyway, he’s trying to see if she knows how to turn Man-At-Arms
back. Also, I don’t understand why
he’s standing right in front her now, but other times they have to stand all
the way and the bottom of this staircase that leads up to her throne or
whatever. What’s the protocol
here? Is it because he's alone? I guess she didn’t make him
only a harness to wear for no reason. This way she gets to check him out at close range sometimes. There doesn't seem to be much to do at Castle Grayskull when she's there alone, so she probably jills off thinking about He-Man a lot. Anyway, the Sorceress tells He-Man to find the fire jewels and everything will be
chill.
An idle Skeletor is amusing himself by flying around and
turning the rural Eternians into stone when Evil-Lyn shows up on his
monitor. Skeletor’s all like,
“What the fuck do you want, bitch?
I’m busy zapping peasants”!
Evil-Lyn takes the piss by claiming she wants his power and then she laughs hysterically, which is actually pretty funny because Skeletor is
impotent and fails at everything, so she's not wrong.
Anyway, she’s just busting his balls, and tells Skeletor that she’s
really interrupting him to tattle that He-Man is looking for the fire
jewels. Because Evil-Lyn’s jab
wasn’t enough, Beast Man tells Skeletor that He-Man is smarter than he is.
Just after He-Man pulls out of the garage in Attak Trak,
Skeletor shows up again and starts turning guards to stone, and even manages to
get Ram Man. You know, if he can
manage to tag all the muscle players before He-Man can get the fire jewels,
Skeletor just might have a chance!
Apparently, what this thing does is steal the energy out of living
things, turning them to stone, then stores that energy until it is used to turn
stone in to living things. I don’t
know how he knows this because it’s not like the thing has a battery meter, but
Skeletor claims that only one more tank will bring Colossor to life.
As He-Man and Teela cruise trough a gloomy, foggy forest,
Teela whines about how scary it looks.
He-Man assures her it’s not dangerous at all. Then a swamp bat shows up, which is a giant and green and pretty
scary looking. Then He-Man
says they won’t attack if you leave them alone, and then it attacks. To be fair, because sometimes I take a
break from being ruthless, Beast Man is manipulating the thing with his Beast Man
powers. But, because he’s drunk,
Beast Man shouts his commands at the swamp bat, and totally gives himself away to He-Man, who
uses a flash grenade to disable the swamp bat. Before He-Man can advance on Beast Man, he takes off on a
glider.
He-Man continues his quest and arrives at the mouth of the
cave where the fire jewels are kept.
He figures he can just walk right in and get them and walk right back
out, lickity-split. So far, according to plan,
the fire jewels are indeed just sitting out conveniently like a platter of glowing
red-hots. Because Indiana Jones and
the Temple of Doom hasn’t been released yet, He-Man doesn’t know any better and
just grabs a handful and starts stuffing them in a bag. Of course, the cavern starts to crumble
all around them. Not only that,
but a river of lava begins to flow, blocking the exit and stranding He-Man on a
boulder.
While the last tank of energy is unloading into Colossor’s
diamond, Beast Man, for the second time this episode, tells Skeletor that He-Man
is smarter than he is. This time,
Skeletor has had it and moves to sock Beast Man in the jaw. I’m pretty sure this would qualify as
domestic violence, if Eternia had any such laws. But, before he can break the bear’s jaw, Clossor rises to
life. Skeletor is pretty sure
that, because Colossor is really big, He-Man can’t just punch the damn thing to
pieces.
Back at the cave of the fire jewels, the trumpet version of
the He-Man song plays signifying that he’s about to overcome the obstacle of
the lava river. He throws the bag
of fire jewels out to Teela, then makes us look up his nostrils for several
seconds while he pulls down a stalactite from the ceiling and uses it to
pole-vault out of the cave to safety.
Colossor demands to be informed who has woken him, because
he was very fucking comfortable sitting on his stone chair, thank you very
much. Skeletor says, “I, Skeletor,
Master of the Universe have awakened you”! Bitch, you almost made me laugh. Without even carding him, Colossor accepts Skeletor’s
authority and is instructed to capture Castle Grayskull. Skeletor poops a little as he
fantasizes about knowing all the secrets of Castle Grayskull. Beast Man just tries not to drool over
the poop smell.
In the palace laboratory, the Sorceress, He-Man and Teela
stand around admiring the fire jewels.
The Sorceress instructs He-Man that they need to be crushed for their
purposes, so he obliges and crushes them up between his palms because he’s the
strongest man in the universe. I
think Teela juices a little when he does it.
While I thought the purpose of the fire jewels was to revive Man-At-Arms, it turns out its actually to use them to defeat Skeletor. The Sorceress turns them into some Elton John glasses, which I’m sure He-Man won’t mind wearing. He already runs around in furry hot pants and boots with no shirt on. Why not go all the way?
While I thought the purpose of the fire jewels was to revive Man-At-Arms, it turns out its actually to use them to defeat Skeletor. The Sorceress turns them into some Elton John glasses, which I’m sure He-Man won’t mind wearing. He already runs around in furry hot pants and boots with no shirt on. Why not go all the way?
He-Man takes off on a glider leaving Teela just enough time
to make a suggestive remark to Battle Cat about them being alone together, and
that she’s never taken a tiger dick before, when Colossor shows up on his mission to
capture Castle Grayskull. What a
buzz kill. The Sorceress hears the stomping as Colossor approaches and changes to her falcon form and goes to see what’s
up. She runs distraction for a
moment so Teela and Battle Cat can get their groove on. That’s really nice of her. I guess because she has both an animal
form and a human form, she’s into the whole inter-species love thing. Or at least accommodating of it.
Skeletor is en route in his aircraft and is insulting
Beast Man’s drunken driving because they haven’t arrived at Castle Grayskull
yet. What else would you
expect? The guy employs miniscule talent and expects grand results. Beast Man is right, Skeletor really isn’t very smart. Turns out, Beast Man has been heading
for Snake Mountain instead of Castle Grayskull because he figures he can catch a nap while Colossor is
taking over Castle Grayskull autonomously.
Skeletor insists that he be there to watch Colossor take Castle
Grayskull, which is one of the smarter super villain things to do; personally see your
plans through to fruition.
He-Man shows up and jumps onto the craft and tears his way
inside. Beast Man tries to whip
him, but He-Man just cuts the whip with his sword. Panthor tries to tear his eyes out, but He-Man just bolos
him. Skeletor tries to push him
out of the opening he tore in through, but He-Man overpowers him. He takes the Elton John glasses and
slips them over the two levers that operate the life-to-stone and stone-to-life
rays, thus joining them magically into one ray. He jumps from Skeletor’s craft and whistles for the glider
to come pick him up in mid air.
He-Man lands at the palace with Skeletor hot on his
trail. Skeletor tries to blast
him, not realizing that his ray has been converted, and inadvertently brings all
the stone soldiers, Ram Man and Orko (really? Orko had to come back to life?) back to life. Um. OK, so I noticed that Man-At-Arms is out there too. So, they just gave up trying to bring
him back and put him out on the veranda, because, what else are they going to
do with him? I guess he might as
well adorn their garden if he’s going to be a statue.
They all head to Castle Grayskull where Colossor is
attacking it. Teela and Battle Cat
have just finished committing unspeakable sexual acts on each other. While Teela pulls the crotch of her
unitard back over her snatch, Man-At-Arms blasts Colossor’s ankles with a
regular old bolo rope-shooting gun (what happened to the lasso ray from the last
episode?), Orko uses magic to slow Colossor down. Stratos shoves him forward while He-Man kneels in front of
him on all fours, tripping him.
He-Man is used to that position, so it was a pretty solid plan. It works, and Colossor topples. They aren’t The Avengers, but they are
pretty coordinated, I’ll give them that.
Colossor may be down, but he’s not out. He continues (in slow motion) to
reach for Castle Grayskull. With all the force of a recycled
animation sequence, He-Man punches Colossor in the ankle, which fractures it,
and causes his whole body to shatter.
I told you He-Man would just punch him to death. Awwww yeah. That’s kill number 7, baby. Colossor is an ancient being, it fucking counts as a
murder. In just a sprinkle of
karma, He-Man gets buried beneath the rubble, but then he breaks out and everyone cheers, because murder should be applauded. If those rocks were blood, he’d be covered in it. Awwww yeah.
Skeletor shows up and thinks that whatever regular blaster ray his ship is equipped with should do the trick and fires on
He-Man. He-Man easily bats the
shot back at the ship, sending it flying into what I’m sure is not quite
oblivion. Echoing my fears, Teela
says, “Why do I get the feeling that he’ll be back”? He-Man ominously assures us that he will. For some reason, a Disney song just
popped into my head. “Tale as old
as time… Beauty and The Beast…”
Anyway, the episode closes with a dumb sequence in which Orko is
telling Prince Adam about how he saved the day, and then he shits his pants when
Man-At-Arms' shadow overcasts him from the door way, causing Orko to think that
Colossor has returned. Let me tell you, poop escapes one's drawers much faster when there are no legs for it to run down. Well, it wasn't the Odyssey, but it did have a cyclops monster in it. I'm not sure Evil-Lyn counts as a siren though. Her cackle is pretty shrill. Anyway, I didn't think these guys went on to make O' Brother Where Art Thou or anything (now that was a good re-imagining of the Odyssey), so, I'll take it.
Time for this week’s moral! I think it’s going to be about how beastiality is A-OK, as
long as you are really horny and pent-up, and the animal is a sentient, talking
creature that can clearly consent. In a strange twist of
the moral lesson format, we cut to Teela and He-Man running and congratulating themselves on
how much fun it is to exercise.
What the fuck does He-Man need to exercise for? He gets his strength from ancient
magic. Teela is another story, she
needs to keep that ass tight, because nobody likes a saggy ass, but
He-Man? He-Man tells us that we
should consult a doctor before any heavy exercise. Really? This is
a kid's show. Little kids need to
check with the doctor before they go running around? Whatever, the shows over, I’m going to go watch some porn. Regular people porn, just so we're clear.
He-Man murder count: Its lucky number se7en, baby! And one attempted murder.
IMDB Cast List:
John Erwin:
He-Man, Prince Adam, Beast Man
Alan Oppenheimer: Skeletor, Man-At-Arms, Cringer
Linda Gary: Teela, Evil-Lyn, The Sorceress, Queen Marlena
Lou Sheimer: Orko, Stratos, Wind Raider computer, Colossor
I guess Ram Man and Attack Trak aren’t important enough
characters to include in the cast list this week. Or
King Randor for that matter. Queen
Marlena, whose name I couldn’t remember gets credited and King Randor doesn’t? What the fuck is going on here?
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