He-Man Reviewed: Season 1 Episode 17 “Daimar the Demon”

At the palace, Orko is sitting on some steps, all bummed out, with his head in his hands. He uses magic to make a butterfly and some balls, but nothing cheers him up, not even the balls. I bet this is opiate withdrawal, has to be. I bet he got hooked on vicodin on account of the dual amputation of his legs. Elsewhere, Man-At-Arms is telling Prince Adam, King Randor and Queen Whats-her-name that his equations combined with The Sorceress’ magic has proven that another, dark dimension exists! He actually shows them the equation like they care about some random gibberish that doesn't prove shit to them.

This dark dimension is apparently very close to theirs, and this is what allows magic to work on Eternia. But since there are scary monsters over there, it’s a good thing they can’t break through. Prince Adam is like, “Math stupid, me hungry”, and leaves to go eat, which apparently was a pretty good idea because everybody follows him. Even Teela, who I’m pretty sure was not in the room with them just now. You tell me, the screen cap is right here.

After they all leave, Orko shows up, bored as fuck, and waders into the room they were just in. Oh, fuck. He’s really about to fuck some shit up. For no reason at all, there’s a demonology book open on the table, turned to page with a cute looking demon named Daimar. Orko reasons that it might ease his withdrawal if he summons it to play with him and distract him. And, so, he summons him and they go outside to play.

At dinner, Queen What’s-her-man says she feels a breeze, which I thought was just her frigid ass passing gas, until things go wacky and all the food starts flying around for no reason. After it all crashes to the table, Man-At-Arms immediately knows that Orko messed with the demonology book that he irresponsibly left out. How do they always instantly guess what random mystical malarkey is causing problems? It’s awfully convenient.

They go back to the computer lab, and sure enough, the book is on the floor. Orko hears them calling out for him so he and Daimar go hide. Not having bothered to look for Orko, Man-At-Arms, still in the computer lab notices that the picture of Daimar the Demon is blank and realizes that Orko summoned Daimar from the dark dimension. I’m guessing he’s not as sweet as he looks in his baby picture. Indeed, Daimar will soon spin a cocoon and when he comes out, he will be a fierce, world destroying, flesh-eating demon! Prince Adam immediately recognizes the need to turn into He-Man, so he activates the recycled animation sequence we all know and are bored with.

Out on the lawn, Teela is twirling her baton, which doesn’t make any sense because she was just at dinner with everyone. So some magic fucks up dinner, and everyone else is like, “let’s go investigate this demon book that Orko fucked with”, and Teels goes and plays with her baton instead? Is she a tomboy or a girly-girly, or what? Make up your mind, writers. Anyway, He-Man shows up tells Teela they have to go to Castle Grayskull right away. She mounts up on Battle Cat and they take off.

Over at Snake Mountain, Skeletor is watching some kind of seismic graph or something. What is with all the science and math in this episode? The device is picking up some strange power surges near the palace, and Skeletor’s lazy ass is sending Evil-Lyn to go see what’s up. Suddenly the cold fart wind blows through the place, and the dark dimension magic causes his staff to turn into a red snake. He’s about to punch Evil-Lyn in the face for punking him, but she looks all woozy and says she didn’t do it. Evil-Lyn intuits that the strange power surge is changing reality. Skeletor instantly gets a boner and realizes he has to have this power, and sends Evil-Lyn to go find it. After Skeletor leaves, Evil-Lyn vows to find the power, but only for herself.

At Castle Grayskull, The Sorceress has her fingers on her temples as she meditates or something. Suddenly, a huge Ben Wa ball falls out of her cooch, glowing with her lady lube. She even talks about her “liquid magic spell”. She elevates the ball up to her face, but before she can lick herself off the ball, it pops. She goes to the window and calls out in distress to He-Man - something is sapping her power. Her image materializes to him and implores him to come to Castle Grayskull, and he’s like, “I’m already on my way, Jesus”! Some Sorceress she is.

Back at the Palace, Man-At-Arms is still doing nothing while He-Man is out looking for Orko. Suddenly, Evil-Lyn just appears in the room. Who knew she could do that? She zaps Man-At-Arms, King Randor and Queen Whats-her-name, freezing them. She struts over to the demonology book and deduces that the power must be coming from the book, and says she’ll be back after she’s mastered it.

In the woods somewhere, Daimar is getting sleepy, which just continues bumming Orko out. Orko wants to go shoot some heroin behind Castle Grayskull, but Daimer just wants take a nap. Orko’s like, “That’s what I’m talking about, lets go nod out”! Daimar conjures his cocoon, and because Orko can never do anything right, he shoots up and takes a nap while leaning up against the cocoon.

So, now Evil-Lyn is back at Snake Mountain, in Skeletor’s chambers, checking out the demonology book. Why the fuck would she go and lay it out on Skeletor’s table to read it if she wants to keep the power for herself? Well, it doesn’t matter because Evil-Lyn summons him in and just balls out tells him she’s going to take his power and then launches an assault on him. He easily bests her, and discovers the book and Daimar. If you thought his boner was big before, you should see it now!

We get a series of intercut scenes – Man-At-Arms trying to search the land for Orko (finally), which isn’t going so well, because the dark dimension magic is disrupting everything, including his video monitor device he's using. You didn't think that he was actually out on foot or something did you? He-Man and Teela are encountering strange creatures and plants on their way to Castle Grayskull (stranger than usual, I guess). Finally, Orko wakes up and discovers the cocoon is broken open, and that there’s a giant hoof print leading away in the dirt.

He-Man arrives just in time for the dark magic to infect Castle Grayskull. The toothed drawbridge tries to eat him as he enters as a result of it, so he holds it open so Teela can run inside and get mommy. Teela finds her on the floor all tuckered out from her Ben Wa ball masturbation session. No daughter should ever have to see her mother like that. She’s too beat to help He-Man, but it doesn’t matter because the dark dimension magic blows away, and the drawbridge lets loose.

The Sorceress tells He-Man to go outside because there’s someone who wants to talk to him. He goes out to find Daimar waiting for him. He’s gigantic. He traps He-Man and Teela in an energy field when Skeletor shows up and is straight up says to Daimar, “who the fuck are you”? Really? He just read the book! But I guess to have any kind of short term memory, he would have to have brain matter in that skull, and he clearly doesn’t. Daimar accommodatingly explains that he’s Daimar, King of the Dark Dimension. To which Skeletor commands Evil-Lyn to take him so that Skeletor can have his power. Seriously, she couldn’t beat Skeletor earlier, and Daimar is powerfull enough that Skeletor wants his power (remember math, people? You brought it up!), and now he thinks that Evil-Lyn can just “take” him? I hope he means vaginally, because she ain’t taking Daimar any other way.

He just turns her into a cocoon, so Skeletor gives it a try with his magic staff. Daimar just redirects the blast, dents Skeletor’s ride. Daimar summons his demon pals to help him take over Eternia, when He-Man uses his power sword to knock the energy field away. Daimar blasts at him, but He-Man knocks it back, rendering him unconscious which subsequently frees Evil-Lyn.

He-Man plays jungle-gym on Castle Grayskull while Skeletor decides that since he can’t control Daimar, he will conquer him, which I’m pretty sure means the same thing. Solid plan, douche. He-Man and Daimar continue tussle. He-Man throws a bolo at Daimar, and when Daimar breaks out of it, He-Man makes this really out of place aside to the camera saying, “anybody want to buy a used bolo”? What the fuck was that for? Did I really deserve that? Damn. Daimar just traps him in an even stronger force field.

Orko shows up and asks Daimar why the fuck he would do this because they’re friends, and he’s all like, “I’m a demon from hell, what the fuck else would I do?”. He-Man chimes in with a peppy you can choose your destiny speech and actually causes Daimar to become conflicted. While he’s mulling over his options, Evil-Lyn uses a freeze power on him.

Evil-Lyn and Skeletor jump in Skeletor’s ride and take off to try and haul Daimar back to Snake Mountain. Evil-Lyn freeze blasts He-Man, but before they can secure the demon, Daimar breaks free and snatches Skeletor's craft out of the air. Skeletor continues trying to convince Daimar to succum to him, but Daimar has had a change of heart. He tells He-Man that he wants to be friends. He hands He-Man Skeletor’s craft with Skeletor and Evil-Lyn still in it. Instead of arresting Skeletor and putting him in jail or something, He-Man just hurls the thing off into the distance. That’s some criminal justice system they have there in Eternia.

Daimar gets a little misty before he heads back to the dark dimension. A rainbow even shows up after he goes. Awww. OK, now this is really fucked up. Orko tells He-Man about how good he feels about what just happened. He-Man actually tells him that he should feel good about it because Orko just made a precious friend. What?! Orko goes and summons a world destroying demon that almost wipes out Eternia, and he gets lauded for it? This show is so fucked up.

Time for this week’s moral. I think it’s going to be about how you should do what ever the fuck you want because you’re bored or withdrawing from opiates because it’s not like you’ll get punished for it. Shit, you might even get a medal! Fuck! Prince Adam comes on screen to tell us that if you have a problem with a black magic demon you should tell someone so they can help you.