Damn, everybody in this show has a cool, themed
fortress. This episode opens with
a real treat, a slow pan over a landscape of barren, gnarled wood. Perched above it all is a creepy
wolf-head looking fortress. Which makes
sense because I distinctly heard the sounds of wolves howling. I wonder who lives in it? I know it's not Skeletor.
Well, it doesn’t matter, because the point is that Beast Man
and Skeletor are just near it stealing eggs. So this is what it comes to? Stealing eggs? I guess villainy doesn't pay very well when you suck at it as much as Skeletor does. Oh, they’re dragon eggs? OK, it seems like a little more of a
long term plan for dominance, but I’ll hear it out. The plan also involves the dragon pearl, which Skeletor
ripped off of Mer-Man for some crappy silver. Just as he’s about to tell us what the fuck the dragon pearl
has to do with this mess, the mother dragon shows up. And it's not to have tea and crumpets.
Man, I never thought I’d see Skeletor do battle with a
dragon! It tries to burn Skeletor,
but he blocks the fire with a blast from his staff. Beast Man just stands there and points at it and commands the dragon to stop. Yep, he’s
drunk again, thinks he can control wild animals. Predictably, the
dragon tries to singe that stupid beard off his face, and he actually seems kind of shocked about it. He says, “I don’t know why, but she’s
really pissed, I think we better leave”.
Skeletor ain’t having it and shuts him down. He lures the dragon onto a catwalk,
which Skeletor blasts with his staff, causing it to collapse. Skeletor starts smacking Beast Man around,
and Beast Man says, “if you don’t start treating me better, you’re going to
lose me”! Skeletor shows Beast Man
the back of his hand which is enough to send him running, while Skeletor just
laughs. Jesus. I didn’t know things were so bad. I almost feel a little bad for
him. Beast Man may have the last
laugh though, because he takes off in the jet craft with all the eggs.
Back at the palace in Eternia, the royal court is enjoying a
nice meal around the table. King
Randor requests the final dish, which Orko pulls out of his bellybutton. Ew, fucking gross. He proceeds to pull a bunch of mutton
chops out of there. Seriously, I
think I’m going to puke.
Because everything Orko does has to get out of hand, he
makes three more of himself, using magic, under the logic that he can eat four
times as much. Fucking clown
shoes. He’s so pleased with
himself that he proclaims that he must be four times the magician he was before, and
then all of the Orkos start arguing with each other. Does it count as murder if he starts killing himself? I hope we get to find out.
But, thanks to Prince Adam, we don’t get to. He convinces them to work together
instead of fighting. So they make
a big magic star appear, which seems pretty useless and unimpressive. All of a sudden, there’s a crash outside. It was the sound of an egg falling onto
the outer deck. It hatches to
reveal a baby dragon, and just as everyone starts cooing over it, it grows into
a full grown dragon.
Obviously it’s time for Prince Adam to turn into
He-Man. As he starts to do so, we
see him in silhouette only, and a bunch of debris falls on him, but the
stock animation is too powerful, and Castle Grayskull breaks through the
rocks. Literally, causes them to
explode.
Then it switches to the typical stock animation of Pince
Adam standing in front of Castle Grayskull so that he can complete his
transformation. Battle Cat goes outside and starts nipping at the dragon’s
ankles while He-Man jumps out of an upper story window onto its head. It bucks him off pretty easily, making
the whole effort seem pretty pointless.
Teela steps onto a balcony and blasts the fucker in the neck with a
ray-gun. Ram Man comes out of
nowhere and tries to ram it in the ankle, because he's short, but the dragon just lifts its leg up and he hits the wall
instead. Mat-At-Arms ends up
blasting it with his band new stasis ray and it freezes.
Somehow Skeletor got himself home and is watching the dragon
fuck shit up at the royal palace with Beast Man. He doesn’t even seem pissed at Beast Man for taking off in
the car earlier. Skeletor is far
to busy congratulating himself and talking about how impressed he is with his
own powers. Beast Man mutters
about how he’ll show Skeletor what real power is, someday. No wonder he drinks the way he does,
he’s got battered wife syndrome! Skeletor rambles on about a growth syrum and how the dragon pearl is
really going to fuck some shit up.
Damn, this plan has a lot of steps to it!
Meanwhile, Teela is flying somewhere in one of those hover
tanks they garage at the palace and tells her his village has been attacked by
a dragon. She says, rather
nonchalantly, that dragon eggs are falling from the sky all over the land. Then, just to show how not a big deal
it is, she blasts another dragon with the stasis ray. He-Man traps yet another dragon in a cave by plugging it up with
a rock.
Back at Snake Mountain, Skeletor is hosting Evil-Lyn,
Trap-Jaw, Beast Man, and some Fu Manchu looking guy. He explains that while everyone is busy fucking around with
all these dragons, they are going to go take over Castle Grayskull. As soon as they arrive at Castle
Grayskull, Skeletor is all like, “check out our new home”! Little early to be claiming victory,
don’t you think? You're not even inside yet. Evil-Lyn is
fretting because she doesn’t think there is any way they will be able to break
in because He-Man and/or the Sorceress always stop them.
Skeletor explains that the Sorceress cannot resist the
dragon pearl, so it must be like some kind of catnip for powerful witches or
something. He starts shouting to
the Sorceress that he will dominate her and take over Castle Grayskull. She shows up at the window and tells
Skeletor to fuck off. She uses
some mind powers to bind them, but he breaks free and blasts at her with the
dragon pearl. It overcomes her and
sucks her in like a tractor beam, trapping her. But not before she sends out a mental distress call to
He-Man.
Inside, Skeletor is about to cream in his pants, he’s so
excited to find out all of Castle Grayskull's secrets. One of which is that it apparently houses some planets just
inside the entry way. Skeletor
uses the dragon pearl to activate a force field around the castle. I wonder if that crystal can make
dinner too, because it seems to be able to do everything else…
He-Man shows up outside and Skeletor’s face appears to taunt
him and apparently it’s so intimidating that He-Man lays down on the job for
the second episode in a row! I
should point out that the animation of Skeletor’s disembodied face in front of
the castle is the same as the animation of him superimposed and laughing in front
of the castle from the intro sequence.
Outside, after a number of failed attempts to get in, they resolve to
kidnap Beast Man, whom apparently controls the dragons, and force him to direct
all the dragons to Castle Grayskull.
So He-Man and Teela go to Snake Mountain and just walk right
in the place. Beast Man sics one
of the dragons on him and throws boulders at him, but Teela just blasts him
with the stasis ray. He-Man is
about to deal with the dragon, when it starts sniffing Teela’s ass and becomes
hypnotized by its sweet, musky smell.
A ginger fox like that, who wouldn’t? She giggles because she likes it.
They get all the dragons gathered outside of Castle
Grayskull. I’m not sure what their
plan is exactly. Use the dragons
to smash the castle? That seems kind of counter productive. I’m
not the only one wondering exactly what the plan is, as Teela just flat out
asks how this stupid ass plan is supposed to work. Orko says that the answer is team work. Well, that isn’t
very fucking specific, is it?
So all the dragons start fire-breathing on the castle at
once. I’m still failing to
understand how burning down the castle is going to be very helpful. Doesn’t He-Man depend on it to sustain
his magical strength? Well lucky
for him, before the castle burns down, the combined force of the dragons’
fire-breath causes the force field to dissipate. Everyone rushes inside and Skeletor’s crew bum-rushes them.
Fu Manchu and Ram Man take each other out while Stratos
distracts Trap-Jaw. Teela tries to
blast Skeletor with the stasis ray, but he escapes through a portal to Snake
Mountain. But apparently He-Man is
still kicking it over there and starts chasing Skeletor around. Skeletor grabs the dragon pearl with
the Sorceress trapped inside and runs off with He-Man in tow. He stops on a catwalk and faces off
with He-Man.
He then uses the dragon pearl to make himself grow all giant
like, and grabs He-Man by the arm, causing He-Man to wince like a little
bitch. See, I told you this dragon
pearl can do anything. I don’t
think the writers are even trying anymore. Eternia seems to have an endless supply of mystical
artifacts that can serve just about any purpose one wants them to. He-Man grabs Skeletor by the leg and
pulls it out from under him, causing him to go over the side of the catwalk.
He-Man tries to save Skeletor for some reason, but Skeletor
just jumps down to a lower ledge and tells He-Man what a dipshit he is for
trying to save him. He-Man says
some lying-ass bullshit about valuing life, so of course he tried to save
Skeletor. Skeletor taunts him with
the dragon pearl, but he must have had a stick of butter for lunch, because he drops
it. This guy can’t do anything
right, can he?
Because he dropped the dragon pearl, he shrinks back to
normal size. He summons an air jet
and takes off. A dragon flies down
into the pit and rescues the dragon pearl, which still contains the captive
Sorceress. It uses its fire-breath
to cause the dragon pearl to explode, which frees the Sorceress. Before all the dragons go home to their
mother, Orko totally makes out with a baby one. Just before the episode ends, we get an interesting shot of
the planet (I’m still not sure if Eternia is a kingdom, or a continent, or the
planet, or what), which shows the shape of the continents and some geographical
features.
Time for this week’s moral! I think its going to be about how playing with fire is fun,
and that kids should burn their houses down. Instead Orko tells us that it's evil to mistreat animals and
that they should be treated nice.
As an example, they show the sequence where the dragon is sniffing
Teela’s ass again. Nice. You know, I’m starting to
sense a theme of hypocrisy with these weekly moral lessons. Doesn’t He-Man constantly abuse his pet
Cringer by frequently, forcibly transforming him into Battle Cat against his
will? In closing, he says that if
you let your pets sniff your ass, they will return the favor. Um. No thanks. I have no interest in sniffing my pug’s ass. Fucking gross.
He-Man murder count: 5 and 1 attempted murder
IMDB Cast List:
John Erwin: He-Man, Prince Adam, Beast Man Ram Man
Alan Oppenheimer: Skeletor, Mat-At-Arms, Battle Cat
Linda Gary: Teela, Evil-Lyn, The Sorceress
Lou Scheimer: Orko, King Randor, Strator, Jitsu
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