Season 1 Episode 5 “She-Demon of Phantos”

This episode opens with Prince Adam and Man-At-Arms playing grab-ass in front of some redheaded sexpot that Man-At-Arms wants to play peter peek-a-boo with, but not before he brokers a deal for this special metal she’s got.  I hope its not braces, yikes!  Her name is Queen Elmora.  I know because her name is actually spoken.  Queen Elmora kicks them out because Man-At-Arms’ saggy old man ass doesn’t exactly make her lady parts tingle.

After He-Man and Man-At-Arms pass through a curtained hallway while exiting, the curtains part to reveal Skeletor playing peepshow.  Turns out he roofied Queen Elmora’s drink and made her try to seduce Man-At-Arms into buying bunk metal to make weapons out of so that he can divert the good shit to himself.

Despite being roofied, she resists Skeletor’s advances and tries to blast his ass.  She’s sassy, that ginger.  Skeletor blasts her back and turns her into a nasty old hag.  If he can steal youth from people like that, I wonder why he doesn’t have softer looking skin?  Anyway, now she’s a soft compliant geriatric and agrees to continue to go along with Skeletor’s plan.

Back at the palace Man-At-Arms and Prince Adam finally figure out they got sold some bunk-ass metal after they’ve wrecked a whole pile of weapons made from it.  Geniuses, these guys, I’m telling ya.  The Sorceress flies overhead in her bird form and drops a deuce in Prince Adam’s stupid haircut, which signals that he needs to go to Castle Grayskull.

She reveals that Skeletor has Queen Elmora all drugged and ugly.  Obviously the only way to fix this is with reckless brute force, so of course, Price Adam turns into He-Man.  At least he’s at Castle Grayskull, so his transformation animation makes a little more sense.  Even if he is inside the castle at the start of his chant, then out front suddenly transforming, then back inside again.

Man-At-Arms is packing up Attak Trak to go back to Phantos to rescue the old hag.  Maybe now she’ll be into him, since, you know, they’re both old.  Teela wants to come, but he tells her she throws like a girl, and leaves her in his dust.  Surprisingly, the word “no” means fuck-all to her (I thought no meant no), and she sneaks off after them.  She discovers them idling in Attak Trak in front of the interplanetary portal they plan to use to get to Phantos.

Apparently, they park Attak Trak outside of it and walk to this portal located in the back of a cave.  So they used a vehicle to drive to someplace that Teela was able to get to on foot at the same time?  Must be nice not to have to worry about destroying all the rocks on Eternia with green-house gasses.  Oh, yeah.  And there’s this hooded lizard guy that’s hanging out with them for no discernable reason.

Right after they get through the portal the Queen Elmora hag appears and says her snatch is all dried up now so they might as well go home.  He-Man knows only Skeletor causes that kind of reaction in a woman, so Battle Cat tries to help by licking her slit, but she zaps him and he disappears.

He-Man freaks the fuck out because Battle Cat is the only pussy he’s ever loved.  He-Man vows to force his unwanted assistance on Queen Elmora, and then this crazy giant pod-tree eats Stratos.  Ok, that, I really did not see coming.

As He-Man wrestles with its tendrils, Teela walks out all calm and collected and shoots it with a laser that just evaporates the whole thing.  What the fuck do they need weapons made out of phantonium for if they have laser guns that can decimate a giant carnivorous pod plant with a single fucking shot?  He-Man gives Teela the stink eye for making stealing his thunder.

So now she’s revealed herself, and everyone’s pissed that she’s there because she’s a girl, and this is a boy party, if you know what I mean.  But He-Man figures that his haircut is girly enough for 3 people so she might as well get to stay, because even without her they practically have a whole sorority in accompaniment based on that alone.  They all put on lame tunics to try and sneak in through the refinery attached to Queen Elmora’s castle.  Since he doesn’t exactly blend in with those furry red boots on, He-Man pretty quickly has to mix it up with these fat, nasty dungeon masters, but I don’t think any of them really minds that much.

Maybe I’ll get lucky and He-Man will axe a motherfucker again.  He hasn’t killed since episode 2, he’s got to be getting itchy.  Then, a bunch more of these tubby dungeon masters start fighting over He-Man, literally tugging him back and forth between each other.  This guy with a crazy huge metal arm attacks He-Man and punches him into a sarcophagus.  That’s right, a sarcophagus.  What are those even doing there?  What purpose do they serve in refining Phantonium?  Do they make them out of it?

Anyway, I bet Skeletor lets this guy fist is anus with that thing.  From here, we cut to the fist guy talking to Skeletor about  how he pulled a “brave Sir Robin” and cut and ran, because there were “just too many of them”.  Really, dude?  It was Man-At-Arms, Teela, and a lizard dude.  You had already taken out He-Man.  You and Mer-Man and the rest of those goons wouldn’t take them on? Surprisingly, Skeletor’s pretty impressed anyway, because dude took He-Man out. 

Skeletor watches them though his webcam-staff as Man-At-Arms, Teela, and the lizard guy stand around failing to get He-Man out of the Sarcaphagus.  Skeletor makes a faux-pas worthy of a Bond villain and quits watching, assuming that everything will go according to plan.  The lizard guy, who literally talks out of the side of his mouth, says they have to do something fast!  Teela suggests they just give up and carry him back to Eternia in the sarcophagus, when he just busts out of it on his own.  That was easy.

All the while he’s been in there He-Man has apparently come up with a plan.  He reminds them to be careful because this is the castle of a demon, under the control of Skeletor.  So, wait, when she wasn’t an old hag she was STILL a demon?  And she was He-Man's ally?  Talking pussies, floating amputee elves, middle-aged heads of military and demon succubae?  Man, does He-Man keep some weird company.

Cut back to Skeletor where he’s referring to the old hag as being all his, and saying she’s his beauty.  That’s fucked.  If he’s going to switch teams, you’d think he’d tap Evil-Lyn’s ass and not this elderly demon succubus.  Hey, where is Evil-Lyn anyway?  I don’t think she’d be very happy with Skeletor pawing all over this broad, even if she is a looker.

Trying to get psyched up to take Skeletor’s hetero virginity, Queen Elmora pictures He-Man bending phantonium beams and breaking out of phantonium chains with all those rippley muscles of his while she mind fucks him.  

Skeletor catches on and gets all bent out of shape, so he decides to just tie her up and rape her.  He sure is determined to try a woman for once.  Even an old dried up one.

Before he can get his bone up, Skeletor discovers that He-Man has escaped, and casts a spell on Queen Elmora so that when she looks at He-Man, she will see Skeletor instated so that she will attack him and cut his nuts off.  She totally tries to castrate him with a sword until Teela fends her off.  Skeletor comes in and continues to pretend that He-Man is him, but Queen Elmora decides to just kill them both.  Kill everyone and let God sort ‘em out.  My kind of plan!  Disappointingly, Skeletor takes her out pretty easily, and then he and He-Man get right at each other.

Elmora still can’t decide which of them is Skeletor – it must be extra icky watching two Skeletors wrestle each other.  Mercifully, we don’t have to see that because to us, He-Man still looks like He-Man.  He-Man convinces her to use her magic to trap them both in phantonium chains, since only He-Man can break out of them.  He does so, and then He-Man then tells Skeletor to release Queen Elmora from his roofie spell, or he will be left chained up forever.

And Skeletor does it!  Immediately!  Seriously, there was no hesitation!  What a push over!  Worse, He-Man just as immediately cuts Skeletor’s chains!  What a fucking chump.  You know Skeletor is just going to come after you again!  Just kill him already, you’ve killed before, what’s the big deal?

Skeletor and his crew take off, while He-Man and his gang gush all over the now young again Queen Elmora so they can fluff her up and keep scoring her sweet unbreakable metal that He-Man can break, and that his sword can cut.  Back at the palace, they are punishing Teela for being a girl - and maybe for sneaking along on the rescue mission - by making her peel potatoes.  It’s about time that entitled gash did some woman’s work!  Prince Adam makes a crack about her cooking being awful too, just in case she wasn’t feeling shitty enough about failing as a woman.  And that’s episode 5!

He-Man delivers this week’s moral.  Wow, that’s two in a row!  I think it’s going to be about how old women are ugly, and young women should be subjugated and made to do kitchen work.  Instead, it’s about safety. 

I need to quote this one because it’s a little bewildering as to how unrelated it is to the episode, and how opposite it is from every thing that happens on this show:

When we go to the beach, there are lifeguards there to watch out for our safety.  Crossing guards are in the street for the same reason, to help protect us.  Now, things like that are fine, but we can’t count on someone always being around to protect us.  We should practice thinking about safety all the time.  So, don’t take a chance.  And that’s true whether you’re crossing the street, or driving a car.  Think safety!

That made no fucking sense.  He-Man saves their asses EVERY time.  And how do crossing guards (or the absence thereof) make someone driving a car safe?  And what kids watching this shit-show drive cars, anyway?

Check out screen cap # 12 from ep. 4 - anything look familiar?

He-Man murder count: Still 2. He will kill again. I have seen his blood lust, and he can’t keep it at bay forever.  Even if that spilling of blood has to result from anal fissures.

IMDB Cast List:

John Erwin: He-Man, Prince Adam, Strongarm

Alan Oppenheimer: Skeletor, Man-At-Arms, Cringer, Mer-Man

Linda Gary: Teela, The Sorceress, Queen Elmora

Lou Sheimer: Orko, Stratos, Lizard man, Slave Driver

You know, the only reason to keep posting the cast list is so we can learn the names of new characters because, despite the writers' penchant for expository dialog, they sure as hell don’t like to use names in it: Strongarm, Lizard Man, Slave Driver.  I’m also still trying to figure out the show’s naming technique; as to when they use a hyphen, or decide to just jam two words together, or when separate them and capitalize both words... I can't fucking figure it out.