Season 1 Episode 12 “Evil-Lyn’s Plot”

I hope this Evil-Lyn-centric episode is as epic as Teela’s episode was.  Maybe it will be even more hardcore, since Evil-Lyn is, well, evil.  Teela was getting hooked on crystal and getting anal raped in her starring episode.  I can only imagine what Evil-Lyn will get up to.

Ok, off to a bad start.  The episode opens with some really goofball feel-good music and this tiny little Viking dwarf marching up and down the rampart of this peaceful looking castle.  He continues to march back and forth as this awful flute driven music continues.  He soon has an obnoxious and expository conversation with another guard, who mentions how vigilant they have to be to guard the highly desirable but unspecified property they have in their mine.

You can be sure that if there is something valuable to be stolen, that Skeletor is going to try to steal it.  So, naturally, he’s perched atop a bluff, straddling Panthor.  He commands his lackeys to go forth “in the name of destruction” and they launch an attack on the Widgets fortress.  Seriously, they are called Widgets?  They just took the word midget and flipped the “m” upside down! The doofus, Squinch, continues to march the rampart, oblivious to his impending acquaintance with napalm.  And to my delight, his little girlfriend is going to perish with him.

Luckily his girlfriend isn’t a total moron and she spots Skeletor and his crew advancing and sounds the alarm.  Squinch starts to freak the fuck out as Mer-Man and Beast Man scale the castle’s turret.  Again his girlfriend comes to the rescue and pours grease all over them.  I wish it had been hot tar.  Or molten gold.  Damn, why isn’t this show Game of Thrones?  I quit.

Anyway, the grease works and Squinch makes a bad pun rather than feeling like the total asshole that he should.  My disappointment  at the lack of any molten or boiling materials getting poured on anyone has a chance at relief when Panthor intercepts Squinch on his way to activate another defense contrivance.  I’m really hoping this little twat gets rent limb from limb.

Unfortunately, that doesn’t happen either.  Instead, when Panthor takes a dive at him, Squinch just ducks, and Panthor sails over the rampart, taking Beast Man, who has just crested the edge again, with him.  Skeletor gets hella pissed and starts blasting away at the front door.  So the Widgets use their version of a bat-signal to summon He-Man.

Prince Adam is taking a nice walk with Cringer while he watches this shirtless boy do farm labor. The boy’s farm cart breaks looks, and Prince Adam seriously turns into He-Man real fast to catch it.  You know, Prince Adam has his own fair share of muscles, I’m pretty sure that he could catch the cart himself.  

But yet he takes the time to recycle an animation sequence to turn into He-Man and do it.  It’s the full sequence too, complete with blasting Cringer into Battle Cat.  Maybe Prince Adam wanted to impress the boy with his bare chest as well.  And, boy, does he!

It’s at least comforting to know that He-Man is up to his old gay tricks.  He-Man enjoyed flashing his abs at the shirtless farm boy so much that he rides off to go find other people to show them his abs.  He-Man and Battle Cat pretty quickly spot the not bat symbol, and make a bee line for the Widget’s castle. 

Skeletor quits fucking around and just makes the main door to the castle disappear.  Beast Man and Mer-Man run inside and literally tower over the cowering little widgets.  Mer-Man raises his sword, and I’m pretty sure he’s going to decapitate the lot of them with one fell swoop.  And once again, I am wrought with disappointment when he merely swipes at one of the Widget’s spear, snapping it in half.

Beast Man heralds Skeletor’s desire to lecture this evolutionarily pitiful group.  Skeletor steps up and specifically picks on the one called Kando and calls him chubby.  He then demands all of their Coridite, which he plans to use to destroy He-Man, and sics Panthor on them. 

He-Man jumps down from the rampart just in time to come between a glorious Widget blood bath and Panthor.  He-Man gives Mer-Man a quick stick in the butt to show him a little humility and respect for his abs, then tosses him aside like spermy tissue.

Beast Man is into it, so he turns the kink up a notch and gets out his whip.  His drunken, lustfully blood shot eyes take aim at He-Man, and he calls his shot like the Babe Ruth of kinky sex.  Beast Man makes his mark, but He-Man catches the whip.  He-Man has gotten crabs - or fleas, or whatever one might call them in this situation – from Beast Man before, so he swings him around by the end of his whip and flings him off into the tree where Mer-Man is laid out.

He-Man and Skeletor start playing softball with blasts from Skeletor’s staff as He-Man knocks them back.  He sends one out of the park and blows up Skeletor’s ride, so Skeletor does that awesome fist shaking move that he’s so fond of.  Skeletor feesls totally inadequate and cries about how someday he will have the power to defeat He-Man.  Someday.  Totally butt-hurt, Skeletor pulls a disappearing act and vanishes.

After all the villains have disappeared, He-Man inquires as to why Skeletor was bullying them about.  They reveal that he was after their cache of Corodite.  He-Man adds to the exposition by mentioning that the Sorceress fashioned his harness out of Corodite because it adds to his power.  I wonder why she didn’t make him a whole shirt out of it, that dirty old bird.  The Widgets mention that they have no use for the stuff because it’s too powerful for them, but they collect it all and stash it so nobody else can have it because they’re dicks like that.  He-Man gets all ominous as he ruminates on how shitty it would be if Skeletor had obtained it.

I would like to point out that we are about half way through the episode (about 11 and a half minutes left) and Evil-Lyn has not even been mentioned in it yet.  How the fuck is this her plot?  That doesn’t make any sense!  Anyway, I guess the writers realized this, because we find her at Snake Mountain stroking her big purple pussy while Skeletor smacks Beast Man and Mer-Man around like Larry and Curly.  “Dolts! Half-wits!  Bunglers”, he calls them!

Evil-Lyn giggles at their emasculation as Skeletor does his fist shaking bit again.  He sits down in this throne after pulling the classic trap door act on Beast Man and Mer-Man and prattles on about how Corodite would react with his dark powers making him as powerful as He-Man.  Evil-Lyn takes a shot at emasculation and swipes at Skeletor saying that he needs her to help him because all his plots are epic fails.  Except this is Skeletor’s plot no matter what the title of the episode says.  Evil-Lyn turns in to a hot blonde chick which actually causes Skeletor to get up our of his chair, it's so startling.

She devises to use this new form to woo her way into the Widget cult because they have a legendary fetish for slutty Amazon women.  Once she has fucked them all into a stupor, she will just step into the mine and take the Corodite.  She shows up outside the Widget’s castle pulling the old, “help, help, I’m being chased by a large purple jungle cat” trick on them.  

It works like a charm and they let her inside.  Because they are all so short, they can see right up her skirt and they all instantly get boners.  This plan is making more and more sense.  Evil-Lyn knew the Widgets couldn't resist the sight of her sweet, panty-less mons pubis.  They are putty in her hands now.

Evil-Lyn claims to be a woman named Nadira who was hiking in the woods and got separated from her parents when Panthor started chasing her.  Panic stricken over losing her parents, Nadira convinces the pussy-struck Widgets to go out and look for them for her.  They eagerly agree to do so in the hopes that they might get to climb inside her giant snatch, and they leave only Squinch to stay with her, because, fuck ‘em.  He already has a girl friend, even if she is short and plump.

They made the wrong call, because Squinch, that little baller, whips out this huge ring-pop and offers to marry Nadira so he can use her lady parts like a jungle gym and not have to share. She quickly accepts, and admires the sour-apple flavor of her new candy engagement ring.  Squinch mentions that they have a whole mine full of the stuff, and asks if she wants to go fuck on top of it to celebrate their engagement.

Down in the mine, Nadira notices a large metal door which is bolted shut.  When Squinch gets all weird about it Nadira gets all excited, thinking it’s a sex dungeon.    She begs him to see and he finally agrees to let her in.  Rather than a sex dungeon, it turns out to be their cache of Corodite.  This is even better than a sex dungeon, because when you fuck on Corodite, its like putting coke on your dick before doing it bareback!

Nadira shoves Squinch out of the way and goes right for the Corodite, snatching up the whole pile of it.  She laughs a wicked laugh and turns back into her usual Evil-Lyn appearance.  I don’t know why she doesn’t stay looking like Nadira all the time.  Anyway, she laughs in Squinches sobbing little face and then queefs in it just to rub her victory in a little.  Evil-Lyn turns into a fire ball and takes off.

Over at Castle Grayskull, the Soceress has been watching the whole thing on her magic mirror.  She shifts to her falcon form and flies off to find He-Man.  When she finds him, he’s napping under a tree.  At the Widget castle, everyone is shitting on Squinch for being such a pussy mongering fuck-up.  Except his girlfriend, who once again has his back.  That’s weird.  She must be a swinger or something.  He’s had enough and decides he’s going to be a tough guy and march off to Volcano Cave, because he knows it’s the only place that Skeletor can melt the Corodite.

At the Volcano Cave, He-Man is spying on Skeletor and Evil-Lyn as they stand over a burbling crater of lava with the Corodite.  Skeletor announces that once the Corodite is hot enough, he will mold it into the image of his own breast plate.  I’m not sure that he’s got enough for a whole breast plate, but what ever, maybe it spreads really thin.  Skeletor’s getting all worked up about having He-Man’s power inside him when He-Man steps out to reveal himself.

Evil-Lyn summons a stone demon out of the lava river, which doesn’t make any sense because the lava would melt him.  That’s what lava is, molten rock.  Anyway, a stone demon sounds like something that He-Man wouldn’t have any qualms about killing, so I’m hoping we put another point up on the murder count board today!  Skeletor continues softening the Corodite while He-Man tussles with the stone demon.  Skeletor uses a magical blast from his eyes to complete the process.

He places the newly formed breast plate onto his harness, revealing to me that he only needed to make a small piece to go on the center of his purple He-Man rip-off harness.  Skeletor instantly gains an equivalent amount of power to He-Man.  He-Man (surprisingly without the recycled animation punching sequence) manages to punch the stone demon into smithereens.  No sooner has He-Man taken a breath when Skeletor attacks him, punching him across the room.

Battle Cat gets all defensive and jumps down on Skeletor from a ledge.  Skeletor easily shoves him off and Evil-Lyn blasts some stalactites loose that fall around him, trapping him there.  Skeletor breaks off a large stalactite to shove up He-Man’s ass, Vlad the Impaler style.  He-Man uses his recycled punch animation to break the thing into a thousand tiny pieces before he’s subjected to such colon tearing atrocities.

I guess He-Man had dropped his sword during all the ruckus , because Evil-Lyn recovers it from the ground and tosses it over to Skeletor.  Skeletor congratulates himself for being so awesome and then charges at He-Man.  Skeletor and He-Man wrestle and are pretty evenly matched, even though I would think Skeletor would be more powerful since he has the power sword and a Corodite breast plate now.  Evil-Lyn is fixing to throw the fight  for Skeletor by interfering, but a lasso falls down out of nowhere and restrains her.

It’s Squinch, his girlfriend and Kando come to help!  Oh, thanks, Widgets!  Skeletor is as powerful as He-Man now, but, I’m sure you’ll be useful against him.  As it turns out they are reasonably clever, and they jump down from the ledge.  Using their combined weight to cause Evil-Lyn to be hoisted up, they tie the rope off and leave her suspended. 

He-Man manages to cast Skeletor off and recover his sword.  I actually had let my guard down and got my hopes up that Skeletor being in possession of He-Man’s sword might bring some continuity from the last episode with the whole power sword and sword of the ancients assimilation that occurred and play into my recollection of Skeletor having a doppelganger sword of He-Man's, but of course, I was foolish to do so, because nothing of the sort happens.  Not to be bested, Skeletor shows He-man his giant nuts and challenges He-Man to top them.

Knowing what a bad idea it is to take his beefcake wang out in front of Skeletor, He-Man uses his recycled punch animation to break Skeletor's balls, burying Skeletor beneath the weight of his own ruptured, dried up testicles.  He-Man drags him out from under them and takes the Corodite breast plate off of him while belittling his lack of true power.  You see, because Skeletor is ancient, he shoots blanks.  Little puffs of air, actually.  On the converse, He-Man shoots nice ropy loads.  Doesn’t that suck more than a stray, masturbatory cum-shot to the face, Skeletor? Oh, wait.  You wouldn’t know.  Ha, ha.

Skeletor disappears with Evil-Lyn in a gust of wind as the Widgets all clutch at He-Man's legs like they’re posing for the cover of Conan the Barbarian or something.  He-Man just stands there and lets it blow through his flowing locks.  His hair product must be as powerful as he is, because his hair never gets messed up.

Back at the Widgets castle, Squinch is shitting on himself for getting He-Man into all this trouble.  He-Man says, “Don’t worry, Squinch, you’re not the first person to fall for a pretty face”.  I’m pretty sure he’s referring to the farm boy from earlier.  Skrtich bumbles more than Orko does as he struggles to explain how Evil-Lyn got the Corodite.

Disgusted with the deceit inflicted on him by Nadira, Squinch says he’s done with women.  When his girlfriend protests, Squinch clarifies that he wasn't referring to his girlfriend, he  was only referring to pretty women.  Bungling things ever further, he trys to recover by saying that she looks like one of the guys, to which she responds by just cutting his fucking nuts off in front of everybody.  He-Man laughs like a maniac as Squinch’s testicular blood sprays all over the place.

Time for this week’s moral!  I think it’s going to be about how we really need a mash up of midget fetish porn and Amazon woman fetish porn.  Who’s with me?!  No?  OK, lets see what the moral actually is for this week.  Teela delivers the moral for a second week in a row, but this time, she doesn’t look all devilish and sexy.  She tells us that the Widgets were fooled by Nadira’s looks, and that sometimes bad things can look good.  Like antifreeze.  I know from experience that it does NOT make good limecicles, no matter how good they taste.

He-Man murder count:  I’m going to count smashing that stone demon to bits, so 6 and 1 attempted murder, it is!

IMDB Cast List:

John Erwin: He-man, Prince Adam, Beast Man, Squinch

Alan Oppenheimer: Skeletor, Mer-Man, Cringer, Battle Cat

Linda Gary: Teela, Evil-Lyn, The Sorceress, Lara

Lou Scheimer: Kando, Young Fellow

Season 1 Episode 11 “Masks of Power”

You know, I just actually bothered to look and see what the runtime was when the intro ended.  That infernal intro takes one minute and twenty-one seconds!  Every damn episode!  This episode opens with Prince Adam, Man-At-Arms and Orko trekking through a forest, looking for the city of the ancient ones.

Mercifully quickly, they come upon a huge Mayan-looking city.  Orko remarks about how electric the air feels as he stretches.  I think he’s just having phantom leg pains.  Anyway, they are there to rediscover a special power and use it for the good of all.  After an avalanche of  bricks nearly crushes them all, Price Adam bothers to mention that the Sorceress said that the spirits of the elders might be haunting the place.

Little do they know, Skeletor has a mechanical bird surveilling them so he can steal this ancient power out from under them.  He summons Beast Man and Evil-Lyn, but instead, this dude Aran and this chick Oona appear, looking like stereotypical spaghetti-western Indians.  Skeletor is about to have them both murdered, but he notices the guy isn’t wearing a shirt and decides to hear them out.

Aran tells Skeletor that he wants to use his gymnast like body to honor and serve him.  You could almost hear Skeletor’s boner rising (like a squeaky hinge) when he says it.  Skeletor decides to test them by popping a trap door open underneath them.  They fall through it and Aran uses his staff, which looks like he stole it from a brass bed frame, to catch up on some rocks and prevent he and Oona from becoming shish kabob.

Skeletor, looking down at them in the pit, is impressed that they managed not to get impaled and asks what else they can do.  So they disappear from their precarious position and reappear back in Skeletor’s throne room.  Now Skeletor really does have a boner!  That is until he tells them to kneel and Oona opens her yap and emasculates her man, Aran, by questioning his desire to canoodle with Skeletor.  Of course, he whacks her with that bed post staffof his and insists that working for Skeletor will bring them power and glory.  Right, because Skeletor has so many wins on his stats board.  So they kneel.  Well, Aran knelt anyway, Oona may have just been woozy.

At the city of the ancient ones, Orko is hamming it up while they look for the relics.  Man-At-Arms is like, “Fuck that noise, I’m hungry”.  So he busts out his camping stove and makes some baked beans.  I kinda feel sorry for the rest of them, because I just know those beans are going to give him old man farts.

As Orko is brining Man-At-Arms some more water, the apparition of a Shiner appears in front of him.  He is so startled that he drops the pot of unfortunately not-boiling water on Man-At-Arms’ head.  Of course, nobody else saw the apparition and think Orko’s just taking the piss.  See what happens when you’re such a fuck up?  Nobody will take you seriously.

Meanwhile, Aran and Oona have arrived at the ruins, and despite earlier claiming to have only believed them a legend, somehow know exactly where the secret chamber that Prince Adam is looking for is - right beneath them.  They use their powers to lift a stone floor tile, revealing stairs leading down to the hidden chamber.  Conveniently, Prince Adam gets the funny feeling they should look outside and they discover the newly revealed chamber.  Even though there was a staircase there a moment ago, it’s now gone.  So, Prince Adam and crew slide down into the chamber on a rope.

At the end of the chamber tunnel, Aran and Oona come upon the masks of power.  They are really quite creepy and have eyes that look around.  They kind of remind me of those statues from The Never Ending Story that try to blast Atreyu as he runs past them.  Prince Adam comes upon them just as they are about to put the masks on and warns that they better not.  But Jim Carry hasn’t even made Ace Ventura yet, much less The Mask, so they don’t know any better.

They put the masks on anyway, because it was all part of Aran’s ploy to seize Skeletor’s power for his own.  As soon as they do so, they become possessed by the spirits of the Shriner, Demos, and his witch queen, Tyrella.  Thanks to the Sorceress, Prince Adam already knew this would happen if the masks were to be worn, but, again, didn’t feel it necessary to share this information beforehand.

Demos immediately attempts to crush them all beneath a pile of debris – which is usually He-Man’s M.O. – but they all dodge out of the way.  Since it's damn close to halfway through the episode, Prince Adam runs off to turn in to He-Man.  I guess he does it right in front of Demos, because his eyes get all big and bulgy.  Maybe he saw a flash of wiener when Prince Adam was changing into his He-Man clothes.

The witch queen blasts He-Man, trapping him in a glass cube, which he easily smashes with his power sword.  Demos says, “Fuck this shit, lets go get the Sword of the Ancients”, and they float up and away out of the cavern.  He-Man just stands there like a dip-shit while they escape.  He’s pretty good at letting villains get away, isn’t he?

Not only do Demos and the Witch Queen trap them in the cavern on their way out, they summon a giant ogre to finish them off.  I mean like really giant.  He-Man tosses Orko up through the top of the cavern to get the rope.  He-Man continues to battle the ogre, and I’m hoping he jumps down his throat and slices his way out of the beast’s belly.  Instead, He-Man kind of just jumps and dances around the thing, and then boosts himself up to the rope, snagging Man-At-Arms, and they easily escape.

Back at Castle Grayskull, the Sorceress is explaining to them that Demos and Tyrella seek the Sword of the Ancients.  Man-At-Arms is stupid enough to say that he thought the Sword of the Ancients was just a legend while he’s standing next to the scantily clad, magical alter ego of a gay, pageboy haircut-wearing prince while in the presence of a woman that turns into a falcon.

As it turns out, according to the Sorceress, the Sword of the Ancients was just a legend, and so were Demos and Tyrella, before today.  I’m not sure what she’s saying.  So legends are just coming to life all of the sudden?  Like Midnight at the Museum or something?  Weird.  Well, centuries ago, the once fabled Sword of the Ancients was stuck in a rock of solid crystal in some cave somewhere, and apparently its power is second only to He-Man’s sword.

Over yonder, at Snake Mountain, Demos is barging in the front door with Tyrella as she busts his balls about who this Skeletor guy is.  She says he looks familiar, but Demos finally shuts her hen pecking down.  Now that’s interesting, Skeletor looking familiar.  This suggests that Skeletor might be ancient.  We don’t really know anything about him, and I’ve long given up hope of even the slightest thread of continuity or story arc that lasts beyond an episode with this show.  But, here we have a little hint of background on Skeletor, and I want more!  Anyway, this time Demos demands that Skeletor bow to him!

Predictably, they get into a fight.   Seems like he should have waited until he had the Sword of the Ancients to attack Skeletor, but even so, he manages to overcome him and trap him in some stalactites, but only after causing him to dive out of the way of some boulders and end up in a submissive position in front of him.  With Skeletor subdued, Demos and Tyrella take off.

For some reason, when they should be searching for the Sword of the Ancients, He-Man and Man-At-Arms show up at Snake Mountain to discover the trapped Skeletor.  They agree to let Skeletor out if he tells them where Demos and Tyrella went, which happens to have been through a solid rock wall.  Because he’s a schmuck, He-Man actually lets Skeletor out in exchange for this nearly useless information.  That’s two villains he’s let go today.  Skeletor laughs that He-Man will never get through the 14 foot thick rock wall, but He-Man just uses the power of a recycled animation sequence to punch through it, revealing a tunnel.

After He-Man and Man-At-Arms take off to follow Demos and Tyrella, Skeletor is sitting in his skull throne, jerking off and thinking about the Sword of the Ancients and how powerful it must be.  He resolves that he must have it for himself.  I just remembered that, in the toy line, Skeletor comes packaged with a sword just like He-Man’s (but purple), and that they could join together to form one sword.  They also made kid-sized replicas of these that also joined together, which I had and loved.  I wonder if that’s what this Sword of the Ancients is?  Now my interest is really piqued – will there actually be some mythology built into this episode?

Because the episode is running out of time, what with the minute and 21 second intro they show every episode, He-Man and Man-At-Arms reach the Sword of the Ancients at the same time as Demos and Tyrella, and a not-so-epic battle ensues.  He-Man shows off his gymnastic skills and drops his sword while he’s doing it.  Against Man-At-Arms’ advise, he lets it lie, while Demos struggles to remove the Sword of the Ancients from the crystal rock.  I don’t know why Demos doesn’t just go for He-Man’s sword, since the Sword of the Ancients is second to it.

When I get another look at the sword in the crystal stone, I realize it can’t be the Skeletor doppelganger sword from the toys that I remember, because it obviously doesn’t look like He-Man’s sword.  Damn, now I want to know what that bizarro He-Man sword is all about.  He-Man traverses a few other tribulations as he approaches Demos, then arrives, and shoves him out of the way and easily removes the sword from the crystal boulder.

He holds it aloft just like he does his own sword, and it starts speaking, “I am the Sword of the Ancients, and I have awakened to battle for freedom and justice, once more”!  Skeletor shows up, and oh, snap, he has He-Man’s sword!  He-Man has got to be fucked now!

Suddenly the Sword of the Ancients flies up in the air of its own accord and says, “it was foretold that I would join with another mighty sword, and that one has now appeared”.  I spoke to soon, it is the doppelganger sword!  Now I’m the one with the boner.  He-Man’s power sword flies out of Skeletor’s hand to copulate with the Sword of the Ancients, and the two become one.

Joined in coitus, the now singular sword falls back into He-Man’s grasp, instantly causing the masks of power to lose power, thus returning Demos and Tyrella to their non-possessed state of being: Aran and Oona.  Some sad music comes on as the two lament that they flirted with the forces of evil, and they vow to be good from now on.  He-Man moves to subdue Skeletor, but he opens a portal and high tails it out of there.  Once Skeletor is gone, not only does He-Man not punish Aran and Oona, he offers them a ride home.  That actually makes sense, because I guess Aran must look pretty tasty to He-Man, and Man-At-Arms appears to be having dirty thoughts about Oona.

Time for this week’s moral!  I think it’s going to be about how you shouldn’t call an episode "Masks of Power" when its really about the Sword of the Ancients which assimilates with He-Man’s sword, but then only to abandon any further plot development on the matter.  Is He-Man’s sword more powerful now?  Can it be split back in two?  Seriously, there is no closure about what happened with the sword at all.  He-Man didn’t even use the sword after it merged with its other.  I guess it actually didn’t turn out to be the doppelganger sword after all.  Or maybe it was, I don't fucking know.  What a fucking let down.

Instead, Teela comes on to tell us that all of us make mistakes, like doing meth or crack, or becoming an anal porn queen.  But as long as you admit that you made a mistake later, its OK to do some evil shit once in a while and then repent later on.  She looks pretty damn sexy when she says it too.  I’m convinced.

He-Man murder count: 5 and 1 attempted murder

IMDB Cast List:

John Erwin: He-Man, Prince Adam, Demos

Alan Oppenheimer: Skeletor, Man-At-Arms

Linda Gary: Teela, The Sorceress, Oona, Tyrella

Lou Scheimer: Orko, Aran Sword of the Ancients