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Season 1 Episode 19 “Quest for He-Man”

For real?  This episode is called “Quest for He-Man”?  My mind is spinning with the possibilities of what this episode could bring, yet my heart pounds with the heaviness of the surefire disappointment that I know it will be.  Well, this episode gets right to the point as Tri-Klops and Trap Jaw are launching an attack on the royal palace.

Their lasers go “pew-pew” as they fly around.  Prince Adam immediately turns into He-Man.  OK, so now this already doesn’t make any sense.  Is somebody questing for He-Man as in to search for him or seek him out, or is the episode about a quest on which He-Man must embark?  The title of this episode is what is known as an ambiguous statement.  Hopefully this will get cleared up if the writers can manage to develop a plot.

He-Man whistles for a cab and a wind raider comes near.  The license plate said "fresh", and it had dice in the mirror.  But I digress.  He-Man leaps out the window onto it and takes off after Tri-Klops and Trap Jaw.  Orko appears beside He-Man and asks if he can tag along and give He-Man some road head.  He-Man agrees to the road head, so I guess that means Orko gets to hang out.

So they get into an air battle while Orko blows He-Man.  Ram Man jumps up in the air really high and knocks Tri-Klops from the sky.  Man-At-Arms sticks him up with a freeze ray as Tri-Klops mutters, “Skeletor’s plan better work”.  Even though He-Man was unable to shoot Tri-Klops from the sky, he is easily able to extend a hook and latch onto Trap Jaw’s sky pod and rip him out of the sky.  He-Man lands and chases Trap Jaw on foot, leading him through a ring of stone.  When He-Man tries to pass through it, it lights up in a fabulous pink force field, trapping him.

Orko tries to help, but Evil-Lyn chases him off with some energy bolts.  Skeletor steps to He-Man and announces that he’s about to rid Eternia of He-Man's “hated” presence forever.  He chants an evil chant while he strokes off, then blasts He-Man with a really solid, steady blast of cum, right to the forehead, which is like a form of Chinese water torture.  He-Man loves it and opens his mouth and tries to catch some in it.  It’s so distracting that it causes He-Man to lose all his memories.

NOM NOM NOM

After Skeletor is done with him, he causes the pink portal that He-Man is trapped in to teleport him to some netherworld.  Orko looks on from the bushes in horror as Skeletor explains to Trap Jaw and Evil-Lyn that He-Man has been teleported to the “cross-roads of all universes where he is destined to wander an alien world not knowing who he is or where he came from”.  Teela, Cringer, Ram Man, Man-At-Arms and Stratos show up to hassle Skeletor and his gang.  Trap Jaw tries to blast them, but Okro uses some magic and causes his gun arm attachment to shoot a “bang” flag instead.

Skeletor and Evil-Lyn totally ditch Trap Jaw and disappear.  So, Trap Jaw gets captured and put into the palace dungeon where Tri-Klops is also imprisoned since Man-At-Arms caught him earlier.  Man-At-Arms helpfully tells Trap Jaw not to try and chew through the bars because they are electrically charged.  Man-At-Arms, Ram Man, Cringer and Orko go to consult the Sorceress about the missing He-Man.  She pretty much tells them that finding the one of thousands of worlds that He-Man could have landed on is impossible. 

The one thing they can try is to summon the “rider of the cosmic waves” to help them.  So then this dude with beady white little eyes that travels the universe in some kind of cosmic wheelchair shows up.  His name is Zodac.  They ask if he can find He-Man.  He’s all like, “I can’t interfere, I just watch from my lonely cosmic wheelchair”.  But he gives Orko a magic wand that will work with his magic and help guide him to He-Man, which I'm pretty sure constitutes interference.

At the crossroads, He-Man comes to while laying on the ground.  The first thing the brain-wiped He-Man does is moans while he humps the ground a little.  I really wish you could hear the way he moans, it’s hilarious.  I guess losing his memory didn’t cause him to lose his sex drive.  Even with no memory, he's probably still gay, because that's something you're born with.  I bet Skeletor’s plan is to visit the memory-free He-Man from time to time and use him as his personal sex doll.  He-Man is the Rocky to Skeletor's Dr. Frankenfurter. 

He wanders around like an imbecile with his sword waving around in his hand until some bird lady that is way stranger looking than the Sorceress shows up and chastises him because he could put somebody's eye out the way he's waving his sword around.  She accuses him of being one of Plundor’s evil goons.  She blasts He-Man’s sword out of his hand and it lodges in a tree stump.  She tells him that she went easy on him this time, but if she catches him humping the ground again, she’s going to make him register as a sex offender.  Somewhere, deep down inside, she reminds He-Man of someone, but he can't place it.

He-Man explains that he doesn’t know who or where he is and the bird woman decides that she believes him because he doesn’t look like he’s from this world.  She decides to take him to see if they can figure out where he belongs.  This evil bunny man named Plundor, who must be a bizzaro Skeletor, is watching the bird woman and He-Man on a monitor.  He’s already plotting to try and exploit He-Man somehow.  I’d like to point out that He-Man does not have his sword.  I wonder if he were to accidentally leave it behind in this world if he would be stuck as He-Man all the time, or if he would revert to Prince Adam and then never be able to turn into He-Man again or what.  I hope we get to find out.

At Castle Grayskull, Orko and Man-At-Arms are trying to convince Cringer to go through the time corridor.  It seems they have a huge challenge ahead of them because Prince Adam neglected to turn Cringer into Battle Cat before he was banished and so he’s being a giant pussy about trying to help.  Anyway, they convince him to go and Ram Man, Cringer and Orko go through the time corridor to look for He-Man, which apparently means they fly through space.  Orko makes this really cheesy comment to Cringer about how they probably won’t run into anything more dangerous than a rabbit.

With Zodac’s wand they easily find the planet that He-Man is on and discover his sword stuck in a stump.  Ram Man reveals just how dense he is because he thinks it’s a back scratcher and doesn't recognize it as He-Man's power sword.  Orko has Cringer sniff it to get He-Man’s scent.  I don’t know how that’s going to work because he sniffs the blade where He-Man doesn’t touch the fucking thing. 

Elsewhere, the bird woman, Gleedil, explains that she takes care of what few animals are left on the planet.  She tells a story about how the planet, Dredus, used to be nice and green.  That is until Plundor cut down all the trees and dumped sludge into the rivers.  What is he, the fucking Once-ler from the Lorax?  Anyway, most of the animals had to move on because of this.  A fish even jumps out of the sludge river, pinches his nose and hops away.  Some of the animals even died out completely.

Because the beige tiger with red stripes that Gleedil runs around with doesn’t remind him of it, He-Man stares at this picture of an extinct purple tiger, almost about to remember Cringer when these floating rabbit robots (rabbots?) crash through the images and gas them all with “sleep smoke”.  They abduct He-Man and Gleedil and take them to Plundor.

On their search, Cringer walks head first into the bizzaro him.  He’s all set to be totally scared of it, until Orko suggests that Cringer try to talk to him because maybe he’s seen He-Man.  He babbles some nonsense at her like, “dur, duh, dum”, which is apparently the language that he speaks because Cringer reports back that He-Man has been taken by some robot.

Back at Plundor’s lair, Plundor uses several giant clocks to rouse He-Man and Gleedil like he’s the love child of Alice in Wonderdland’s Mad Hatter and the White Rabbit or something.  He tries to convince He-Man that he, Plundor, is the rightful ruler of Dredus, and that he should help him become the richest creature in the universe by selling this green liquid he has that is very valuable.  Really?  That’s his plan to exploit He-Man?  To turn him into a door-to-door salesman?  This guy might actually be more stupid than Skeletor.  Except that Plundor has at least conquered this world, whereas Skeletor always fails.  But then, they don’t seem to have a He-Man to stop him, because Gleedil is clearly some kind of ineffectual hippie.

Outside, Cringer, the nameless bizarro Cringer,  Ram Man and Orko stare at the bunny fortress trying to devise a plan to sneak in and rescue He-Man.  Even though he won’t know who the fuck they are.  Before they can think of anything, one of Plundor’s rabbots show up.  Inside the fortress, Plundor is still trying to convince He-Man to be his salesman.  He-Man may not know who he is, but he knows what Plundor wants is wrong and refuses him.  Just as Plundor resolves to lock them in his dungeon forever, Ram Man smashes through the wall using the rabbot as a battering ram.  So much for sneaking in.

He-Man is really confused when they address him as He-Man.  He’s all like, “do I know you”?  Orko tries to get him to remember home while Ram Man takes out the rabbots.  Okro reflects on the Sorceress’ advice to get He-Man to think of home.  He has the brilliant idea to hand He-Man his sword, instructs him to hold it aloft and recite “by the power of Grayskull, I have the power”!  For some reason, even though he’s already He-Man, this works and we’re treated to the recycled animation sequence.  Does he turn into double He-Man because he did the He-Man chant while he was already He-Man, or what?  Anyway, now he remembers everything because he glimpsed Castle Grayskull during the recycled animation sequence. This is so stupid.

Now that He-Man remembers everything, he wastes no time in turning Cringer into Battle Cat against his will.  There’s the shirtless maniac we all know and love!  Yeah, Dredus doesn't have a PETA or Humane Society or ASPCA either.  One of the rabbots is about to cut Gleedil’s head off with a buzz saw when He-man unfortunately stops him.  Plundor realizes that some serious shit is going down, so he pours his green potion into a rocket and blasts it off toward space.  I have no idea what purpose that serves at all.  He-Man jumps on it as it takes off, and as it rockets into the sky, he slams his fists down, redirecting it toward Dredus while riding it down like something out of Dr. Strangeglove.

The rocket explodes while still in Dredus’ atmosphere sending a green fog over everything.  This causes all the plant life and everything to come back to life.  OK fine, so I sort of get it, Plundor was going to sell that stuff for tons of money to restore the planet.  He ruined the planet like creating a virus in order to sell the cure.  Fine.  But, I still don’t get why Plundor sent the stuff off in a rocket though.  Wouldn't that have restored the planet for free?  Anyway, now all is well and Gleedil wants to fuck.  He-Man politely turns her down on account of her bird face (beaks don’t give good blowjobs) and that he’s gay.  Plundor is wearing classic prison stripes while he is smashing rocks as part of his sentence.

With only a minute and a half left to go, He-Man remembers that he has to settle shit with Skeletor, and do this weeks moral, and roll the end credits, which last about thirty seconds alone.  This should be sloppy and convenient.  So they teleport back to Eternia as a rainbow forms (awwww) over Dredus.

I’m shocked (though I shouldn’t be) to find that they don’t resolve anything with Skeletor and instead they launch right into this week’s moral which is delivered by Zodac.  Seriously, I was so surprised by this (though I shouldn’t be) that I didn’t even have time to guess what this week’s moral will be!  That’s a first!  So Zodac tells us that Plundor is really us and we are laying waste to our planet with pollution and so we have to respect animals and plants, and that flying around the galaxy on a cosmic wheelchair sled thing is pretty fucking lonely and he wants to die, because even rainbows can’t cheer him up.  The end.

He-Man murder count: 7 and 1 attempted murder

IMDB Cast List:

John Erwin: He-Man, Prince Adam, Ram Man, Plundor

Alan Oppenheimer: Skeletor, Man-At-Arms, Cringer

Linda Gary: Teela, Evil-Lyn, The Sorceress, Gleedil

Lou Scheimer: Orko, Trap Jaw, Tri-Klops, Zodac

Season 1 Episode 18 “Creatures from the Tar Swamp”

The title of this episode better not turn out to be a racial slur, or I’m going to be very upset.  At the royal palace, some snooty bitch named Edwina arrives.  Apparently, she’s King Randor’s niece and she sounds as stuck up as she looks.  I’m also pretty sure she’s a pill popper. Anyway, she insults everyone and then tries to seduce Prince Adam by asking him to escort her to her room.

Orko has a hard on for her and so he shows up outside her door with a lame gift.  Edwina is totally rude to Orko and even calls him by the wrong name.  She’s probably pissed because Prince Adam shot her down on account of his preference for cock and all. Anyway, Prince Adam shows up and tells some bullshit story to Edwina about how Orko saved his life once as a kid because he got lost in the tar swamps.

Apparently what happened is that the storm was so powerful, it tore open a portal to Orko’s dimension pulled him over to Eternia and he got stuck there.  He happened to appear at just that moment to find Prince Adam stuck in the tar.  Orko helps them out by using his magic, which he surprisingly doesn’t fuck up.  Prince Adam is lucky to be alive, really.  Orko easily could have killed him by mistake.  Especially because he rescues them by animating a terrifying giant tree hand.  It easily could have crushed them.  Or poked an eye out!  Orko shows off after he saves them and ends up losing his magic medallion in the tar swamp.  The royal family adopts him anyway.  Edwina is not impressed by the story and just rips on Orko for losing the medallion.

The next day, Man-At-Arms and Teela are looking for Orko because he missed breakfast.  He’s not in his room and his bed hasn’t been slept one so they automatically assume he went looking for the lost medallion in the tar swamp.  At the tar swamp, Orko accidentally stumbles upon Beast Man, Skeletor and Evil-Lyn, coincidentally conducting an evil plan.  They have a potion that they will be dumping into the tar swamp that will allow them to resurrect extinct ancient creatures.  This will, of course, allow him to, in turn, take over Eternia.

Orko tries to take off to warn everyone, but he gets himself noticed by Skeletor.  Evil-Lyn captures him and delivers him to Skeletor.  They tease and tell him what a loser he is and show him how they can summon ancient creatures that will eat him and destroy He-Man.  They make good on their threat and summon a giant dinosaur out of the tar, and Beast Man uses his mental powers to control the thing.

Elsewhere, Man-At-Arms and Teela are flying around looking for Orko while Prince Adam Turns into He-Man and goes off to find them.  Skeletor is already on his way to the palace with the dinosaur.  Skeletor sees Man-At-Arms and Teela coming in their wind raider and sics a couple of pterodactyl like things on them which damage the flying craft, causing it to crash.  He-Man witnesses the whole thing and runs off to the crashed wind raider.  Luckily, Stratos happened to be flying by and rescued Man-At-Arms and Teela before the wind raider crashed.

They are all standing around listing to Stratos telling them about he saved Man-At-Arms and Teela, even though everyone just fucking saw it happen, when Skeletor reveals himself and taunts them with Orko as he holds him up by his neck.  Suddenly the tar dinosaur, with Man-At-Arms calls a dragodon, rises up behind Skeletor.

Before He-Man can make a move and slay the dragodon, one of the pterodactyl creatures swoops down, scoops him up, and flys away.  He-Man should just cut off its legs.  Easy escape.  Skeletor continues on his way to the palace, now that He-Man is out of the picture, while Stratos flies off to try and rescue He-Man.  Stratos gets the pterodactyl creature to chase him, leading it through some trees.  It gets hung up on one and drops He-Man.  I was really hoping for some dismemberment to be involved with this rescue plan.  Damn.

At the palace, Edwina continues to be rude and disrespectful by trying on Queen Whats-her-name’s crown when King Randor walks in on her.  She isn’t even embarrassed about it.  Instead of bitching her out, he offers to show her where the really valuable treasures are.  I’m pretty sure he’s just trying to perv into his niece's panties.  Why am I not surprised that incest isn’t taboo in Eternia?  Well, he doesn’t get a chance anyway, because Skeletor has arrived and the dragodon is causing all kinds of structural damage by head-butting the palace wall.

King Randor and Queen Whats-her-name go to find out what all the commotion is about, and King Randor is shocked to see the dragodon, as they have been “extinct for ages”.  Skeletor demands that King Randor surrender to him, and he does, immediately.  He doesn’t even think about it.  Skeletor instantly locks the King, Queen, Edwina and Orko in the dungeon.

Edwina is throwing a tantrum and foolishly asks Orko to use his magic to get them out of the dungeon.  He tries to make the bars vanish, but instead teleports Edwina and himself outside while leaving the King and Queen trapped.  I guess that ended up working out for her pretty well.  Orko begs her to help him rescue the King and Queen, but she just gives him a snotty look and says, “fuck that noise, I’m going to go pop some pills and nod out watching soap operas”.

Of course, she walks smack into the dragodon.  I guess that didn’t work out so well for her after all.  He-Man shows up and pulls her out of the way while Battle Cat takes on the dragodon.  I bet Battle Cat would make a pretty tasty meal for a dragodon.  I’d like to see that.  I bet He-Man would cry like a little bitch.

Stratos is only just arriving with Man-At-Arms and Teela, and He-Man tells him to go the castle and challenge Skeletor while he takes out the dragodon.  He-Man’s battle with him is pretty disappointing because he just punches the dragodon's toe really hard and it runs away like a scarred little girl.  He-Man takes off after him, hopefully to murder once again.  It’s been a while since he killed, I know he’s gotta be hungry for it.

At the palace, Skeletor and Evil-Lyn are already sitting in the royal thrones, having a glass of bubbly to celebrate.  Man-At-Arms, Teela and Stratos crash the party, so Beast Man, and Evil-Lyn try to stop them.  Man-At-Arms manages to take out Beast Man while Stratos straight drops Evil-Lyn from the sky. Unfortunately, her cape catches on something saving her from splattering on the ground.

Man-At-Arms confronts Skeletor, and Skeletor actually says, “You fool, did you think I’d face you myself”?  I guess even Skeletor know's he's a pussy.  At that moment, the dragodon breaks through the palace wall.  As his head is stuck through the hole in the wall, He-Man and Orko show up and notice that Orko’s magic medallion just happens to be stuck on the back of the dragodon.  Wow, these writers really don’t try, do they.  Orko goes and plucks it out of the patch of tar it’s stuck in.  He-Man distracts the thing by throwing his sword at it, which unfortunately only bounces off and doesn’t even cause a laceration much less stab into its spine and paralyze it.  It does draw the dragodon’s attention, however.  He-Man continues to tussle with the dragodon while Orko is tying to think of a spell to send it back.

Just then Edwina shows up and is all hot for Orko all of the sudden, now that he has his medallion back.  That, and she wants to try stumping with Orko’s amputee legs.  She tries to convince him to teleport the two of them to someplace private so she can slime his stumps, while leaving everyone else in peril.  Orko’s eyes go bonkers while he thinks about it, but he snaps out of it and rejects her advances.

Ironically, he wishes this whole thing had never happened, and so that’s what the Medallion does, it makes it like it never happened.  The dragodon, Skeletor, Beast Man, Evil-Lyn all disappear.  In the process, the medallion reattaches itself to the tar patch on the dragodon’s back before he disappears.  Later, in the palace throne room, King Randor sits in a seat still warm from Skeletor’s ass and commends Orko for actually doing something right for once.  Excpt, it if was like it never happened, they wouldn't fucking remember it.

King Randor tells Edwina what a rude bitch she is, and until she gets an attitude adjustment, she’s never welcomed back.  She walks off, snooty as ever, but Orko stops her at the door.  In spite of everything, he still has the hots for her.  He gives her a present in the hopes that she still wants him to stump her, but she just acts all rude about it, having learned nothing.  As it turns out, the little piss ant is playing a prank on her.  She opens the box and a dragodon head on a spring pops out.  She runs off all scared, apparently not realizing that it was just a toy.

Time for this week’s moral.  It’s probably going to be about how being rude and stuck up and entitled doesn’t get you anywhere.  Which isn’t true, because then we wouldn’t have people like Paris Hilton and the Kardashians.  Fuck those bitches.  The obviously didn’t watch He-Man.  It turns out I’m wrong, and that’s not what it’s about.  Prince Adam tells us that friendship is precious and you can’t buy friends with gifts.  But, you can buy sex.

He-Man murder count: still just 7 and 1 attempted murder

IMDB Cast List:

John Erwin: He-Man, Prince Adam, Beast Man

Alan Oppenheimer: Skeletor, Man-At-Arms, Cringer, Battle Cat

Linda Gary: Teela, Evil-Lyn, Lady Edwina

Lou Scheimer: Orko, King Randor, Stratos

Season 1 Episode 17 “Daimar the Demon”

At the palace, Orko is sitting on some steps, all bummed out, with his head in his hands.  He uses magic to make a butterfly and some balls, but nothing cheers him up, not even the balls.  I bet this is opiate withdrawal, has to be.   I bet he got hooked on vicodin on account of the dual amputation of his legs.  Elsewhere, Man-At-Arms is telling Prince Adam, King Randor and Queen Whats-her-name that his equations combined with The Sorceress’ magic has proven that another, dark dimension exists!  He actually shows them the equation like they care about some random gibberish that doesn't prove shit to them.

This dark dimension is apparently very close to theirs, and this is what allows magic to work on Eternia.  But since there are scary monsters over there, it’s a good thing they can’t break through.  Prince Adam is like, “Math stupid, me hungry”, and leaves to go eat, which apparently was a pretty good idea because everybody follows him.  Even Teela, who I’m pretty sure was not in the room with them just now.  You tell me, the screen cap is right here.

After they all leave, Orko shows up, bored as fuck, and waders into the room they were just in.  Oh, fuck.  He’s really about to fuck some shit up.  For no reason at all, there’s a demonology book open on the table, turned to page with a cute looking demon named Daimar.  Orko reasons that it might ease his withdrawal if he summons it to play with him and distract him.  And, so, he summons him and they go outside to play.

At dinner, Queen What’s-her-man says she feels a breeze, which I thought was just her frigid ass passing gas, until things go wacky and all the food starts flying around for no reason.  After it all crashes to the table, Man-At-Arms immediately knows that Orko messed with the demonology book that he irresponsibly left out.  How do they always instantly guess what random mystical malarkey is causing problems?  It’s awfully convenient.

They go back to the computer lab, and sure enough, the book is on the floor.  Orko hears them calling out for him so he and Daimar go hide.  Not having bothered to look for Orko, Man-At-Arms, still in the computer lab notices that the picture of Daimar the Demon is blank and realizes that Orko summoned Daimar from the dark dimension.  I’m guessing he’s not as sweet as he looks in his baby picture.  Indeed, Daimar will soon spin a cocoon and when he comes out, he will be a fierce, world destroying, flesh-eating demon!  Prince Adam immediately recognizes the need to turn into He-Man, so he activates the recycled animation sequence we all know and are bored with.

Out on the lawn, Teela is twirling her baton, which doesn’t make any sense because she was just at dinner with everyone.  So some magic fucks up dinner, and everyone else is like, “let’s go investigate this demon book that Orko fucked with”, and Teels goes and plays with her baton instead?  Is she a tomboy or a girly-girly, or what?  Make up your mind, writers.  Anyway, He-Man shows up tells Teela they have to go to Castle Grayskull right away.  She mounts up on Battle Cat and they take off.

Over at Snake Mountain, Skeletor is watching some kind of seismic graph or something.  What is with all the science and math in this episode?  The device is picking up some strange power surges near the palace, and Skeletor’s lazy ass is sending Evil-Lyn to go see what’s up.  Suddenly the cold fart wind blows through the place, and the dark dimension magic causes his staff to turn into a red snake.  He’s about to punch Evil-Lyn in the face for punking him, but she looks all woozy and says she didn’t do it.  Evil-Lyn intuits that the strange power surge is changing reality.  Skeletor instantly gets a boner and realizes he has to have this power, and sends Evil-Lyn to go find it.  After Skeletor leaves, Evil-Lyn vows to find the power, but only for herself.

At Castle Grayskull, The Sorceress has her fingers on her temples as she meditates or something.  Suddenly, a huge Ben Wa ball falls out of her cooch, glowing with her lady lube.  She even talks about her “liquid magic spell”.  She elevates the ball up to her face, but before she can lick herself off the ball, it pops.  She goes to the window and calls out in distress to He-Man - something is sapping her power.  Her image materializes to him and implores him to come to Castle Grayskull, and he’s like, “I’m already on my way, Jesus”!  Some Sorceress she is.

Back at the Palace, Man-At-Arms is still doing nothing while He-Man is out looking for Orko.  Suddenly, Evil-Lyn just appears in the room.  Who knew she could do that?  She zaps Man-At-Arms, King Randor and Queen Whats-her-name, freezing them.  She struts over to the demonology book and deduces that the power must be coming from the book, and says she’ll be back after she’s mastered it.

In the woods somewhere, Daimar is getting sleepy, which just continues bumming Orko out.  Orko wants to go shoot some heroin behind Castle Grayskull, but Daimer just wants take a nap.  Orko’s like, “That’s what I’m talking about, lets go nod out”!  Daimar conjures his cocoon, and because Orko can never do anything right, he shoots up and takes a nap while leaning up against the cocoon.

So, now Evil-Lyn is back at Snake Mountain, in Skeletor’s chambers, checking out the demonology book.  Why the fuck would she go and lay it out on Skeletor’s table to read it if she wants to keep the power for herself?  Well, it doesn’t matter because Evil-Lyn summons him in and just balls out tells him she’s going to take his power and then launches an assault on him.  He easily bests her, and discovers the book and Daimar.  If you thought his boner was big before, you should see it now!

We get a series of intercut scenes – Man-At-Arms trying to search the land for Orko (finally), which isn’t going so well, because the dark dimension magic is disrupting everything, including his video monitor device he's using.  You didn't think that he was actually out on foot or something did you?  He-Man and Teela are encountering strange creatures and plants on their way to Castle Grayskull (stranger than usual, I guess).  Finally, Orko wakes up and discovers the cocoon is broken open, and that there’s a giant hoof print leading away in the dirt.

He-Man arrives just in time for the dark magic to infect Castle Grayskull.  The toothed drawbridge tries to eat him as he enters as a result of it, so he holds it open so Teela can run inside and get mommy.  Teela finds her on the floor all tuckered out from her Ben Wa ball masturbation session.  No daughter should ever have to see her mother like that.  She’s too beat to help He-Man, but it doesn’t matter because the dark dimension magic blows away, and the drawbridge lets loose.

The Sorceress tells He-Man to go outside because there’s someone who wants to talk to him.  He goes out to find Daimar waiting for him.  He’s gigantic.  He traps He-Man and Teela in an energy field when Skeletor shows up and is straight up says to Daimar, “who the fuck are you”?  Really?  He just read the book!  But I guess to have any kind of short term memory, he would have to have brain matter in that skull, and he clearly doesn’t.  Daimar accommodatingly explains that he’s Daimar, King of the Dark Dimension.  To which Skeletor commands Evil-Lyn to take him so that Skeletor can have his power.  Seriously, she couldn’t beat Skeletor earlier, and Daimar is powerfull enough that Skeletor wants his power (remember math, people?  You brought it up!), and now he thinks that Evil-Lyn can just “take” him?  I hope he means vaginally, because she ain’t taking Daimar any other way.

He just turns her into a cocoon, so Skeletor gives it a try with his magic staff.  Daimar just redirects the blast, dents Skeletor’s ride.  Daimar summons his demon pals to help him take over Eternia, when He-Man uses his power sword to knock the energy field away.  Daimar blasts at him, but He-Man knocks it back, rendering him unconscious which subsequently frees Evil-Lyn.

He-Man plays jungle-gym on Castle Grayskull while Skeletor decides that since he can’t control Daimar, he will conquer him, which I’m pretty sure means the same thing.  Solid plan, douche.  He-Man and Daimar continue tussle.  He-Man throws a bolo at Daimar, and when Daimar breaks out of it, He-Man makes this really out of place aside to the camera saying, “anybody want to buy a used bolo”?  What the fuck was that for?  Did I really deserve that?  Damn.  Daimar just traps him in an even stronger force field.

Orko shows up and asks Daimar why the fuck he would do this because they’re friends, and he’s all like, “I’m a demon from hell, what the fuck else would I do?”.  He-Man chimes in with a peppy you can choose your destiny speech and actually causes Daimar to become conflicted.  While he’s mulling over his options, Evil-Lyn uses a freeze power on him. 

Evil-Lyn and Skeletor jump in Skeletor’s ride and take off to try and haul Daimar back to Snake Mountain.  Evil-Lyn freeze blasts He-Man, but before they can secure the demon, Daimar breaks free and snatches Skeletor's craft out of the air.  Skeletor continues trying to convince Daimar to succum to him, but Daimar has had a change of heart.  He tells He-Man that he wants to be friends.  He hands He-Man Skeletor’s craft with Skeletor and Evil-Lyn still in it.  Instead of arresting Skeletor and putting him in jail or something, He-Man just hurls the thing off into the distance.  That’s some criminal justice system they have there in Eternia. 

Daimar gets a little misty before he heads back to the dark dimension.  A rainbow even shows up after he goes.  Awww.  OK, now this is really fucked up.  Orko tells He-Man about how good he feels about what just happened.  He-Man actually tells him that he should feel good about it because Orko just made a precious friend.  What?!  Orko goes and summons a world destroying demon that almost wipes out Eternia, and he gets lauded for it?  This show is so fucked up.

Time for this week’s moral.  I think it’s going to be about how you should do what ever the fuck you want because you’re bored or withdrawing from opiates because it’s not like you’ll get punished for it.  Shit, you might even get a medal! Fuck!  Prince Adam comes on screen to tell us that if you have a problem with a black magic demon you should tell someone so they can help you.

He-Man murder count: 7 and 1 attempted murder.  You think I should take a murder away for talking Daimar out of ripping out Skeletor’s spine?

IMDB Cast List:

John Erwin: He-Man, Prince Adam, Young Daimar the Demon

Alan Oppenheimer: Skeletor, Man-At-Arms, Cringer

Linda Gary: Teela, Evil-Lyn, The Sorceress, Queen Marlena

LouScheimer: Orko, King Randor, Daimar the Demon